This Bloody City

Dear London,

We've had a good run. I have laughed with you, cried with you, sang, danced, cried some more, and passed out on the gentle caress of your sidewalks. I have minded your gaps and played in your parks, and have memories which will entertain and haunt me for life.

I also excuse a lot of your misconducts. You are a big city, full of bodies and noise and smog and traffic. I get it, but I can no longer abide some of your crooked ways. This is is me venting. 

This is me listing 5 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU:

1. Chavs: 

For the male population, think Jerry Springer guests dressed in Adidas, knifing each other in broad daylight in public parks and on buses. The ones that work, work at supermarkets or sell drugs, and the ones that don't work live off government benefits and degrade society. The female population is generally the same save for most don't work and instead pop out babies because the more kids you have, the bigger the house that the gov't will give you. Most are racist. They all talk funny.  I don't usually care who does what in this world, but they are not all confined to one place...like Surrey. They are on my train to work, at the park where I take the kids, and gathered on street corners when I walk home. I am afraid I am coming off like an elitist here so I have included a short film to help you get a better sense of the everyday nature of the chav.

2.  People Who Talk Like Adele: 

It came out of the blue, uninvited. This accent that is nothing like Angela Landsbury. Nothing like Colin Firth. Nothing like I was promised. When I first moved here, I moved to East London and did not bring a phrasebook, which they should advise you to purchase at the airport. I don't mind this accent in small spoonfuls throughout the day, but ALL DAY and I have to turn on reruns of "How I Met Your Mother" at the end of a workday, the equivalent of washing my cochlea. Another video for you because if I try to imitate it, it just turns "Poppins".

3. National Health Care: The NHS. Yikes. I know we complain back in Canada about the quality and speed of our health care system. I think the citizens of every country, in every universe complain about healthcare. But here is an eye opener. If you think you are deprived of possessions, go to a village in Ethiopia. If you think your healthcare system is poor, get sick or broken in London. My doctor is the one I have to go to because he works in my catchment area. My doctor is an old Indian Man who does not "deal with lady issues", employs a nurse who cannot speak English, and a receptionist who speaks like Adele. He has yet to give me proper treatment or advice for anything I have seen him for and sent me to the free clinic like a tramp to get birth control. Friends who have gone to their doctors have seen similar circumstances, doctors who refuse to test them, treat them, and don't believe they are in pain. This is because in London, NOBODY practices preventative medicine. They won't test you for anything unless they are sure that you have it and it is too expensive to refer you to anyone unless you have a bulbous growth expanding from your hairline. Nobody even gets their teeth cleaned, which explains this:

 Kidding!

4. People Who Act Like Cro Magnon Man In Transit: Trains were invented about a hundred years ago, inspiring other such forms of transit such as cars, buses, trams, etc. There is a certain set of guidelines for using each which pertain to the comfort and safety of each passenger/pedestrian. In London, all bets are off. The bus drivers will see you coming and shut the doors in your face. People on trains will not rearrange themselves to create more space for you to get on. The pregnant, elderly, and disabled are just as much at odds with the rest of us when it comes to finding a seat. You will be pushed, groped, sneezed and sweated and coughed on, and scowled at if you need to be birthed through a vaginal canal of bodies to get off and on the tube. I was once actually pushed back onto the platform after I started shouting "They do it in India (I was talking about how many people they cram onto buses there)!" You are an inconvenience and other people start to inconvenience you. Drivers turn without using blinkers, will not brake for babies or animals, and you cross the road at your own peril. I can take bad driving in China...that's kinda their "thing," isn't it? But I cannot tolerate it in a country which is supposed to be developed. SUPPOSED TO BE.

5. Everything is Wrong All The Time:  And lastly, I HATE, absolutely HATE that I have come to refer to London as the perpetual city of "No." I think generally, Londonese people need to be sold on everything. The mentality is " No, I think this is going to be shit, if you can prove otherwise, you will be gratified by my mild attitude change. Because it's never good, it's just not bad". I am waiting for the day when something is amazing, without a hint of sarcasm.  Subsequently, the people of London love saying "no." "No you can't do that, No, you can't register here, No, you can't return it." Only after 10 minutes of controlled argument do I find that I usually can do what ever it was I wanted. They just wanted to assert themselves first before letting me be a special exception, for which I should be grateful. This goes hand in hand with a Londoner's love of moaning. These people love to complain about everything, which makes me want to complain about them, which causes them to complain about bloody immigrants who can go back to their own country if they don't like it, which makes me think that negativity is a vicious, inescapable, an very apparent part of the culture of London. It is ingrained in the people and makes them a part of this city. Understanding it had made me feel a part of it too. I guess I am a little Londoner now. Thanks for including me, you big rainy smog-hole.